After talking to a friend in Maine, I understand why real estate agents drink so much coffee.
Over the years, she has told me enough stories to convince me that real estate agents possess a level of patience normally associated with saints, kindergarten teachers and emergency room staff.
Most people believe buying a home is a logical process.
You determine your budget., You identify your needs., You compare properties; you make a decision.
That is a lovely theory. Reality tends to be more entertaining.
The truth is that every buyer arrives with a different dream, a different priority, and occasionally a completely baffling obsession.
Some buyers make decisions quickly. Some need six months and seventeen spreadsheets. Some are looking for the perfect home.
Others are looking for answers to questions nobody has asked since 1894.
Real estate agents somehow manage all of them.
I wish I were making this up.
The Three-Car Garage Buyer
Every agent eventually meets this buyer.
- The three-car garage is non-negotiable.
- Absolutely essential.
- The search cannot continue without it.
Unfortunately, there is one small detail.
- He does not own a car. He does not drive. Limousine service when necessary.
- He is single. No wife. No children.
- No boat. No motorcycle.
- No workshop.
- No plans to start a landscaping company.
Yet somehow the garage remains the single most important feature of the property.
The agent finally asks: “What exactly are you planning to put in there?”
Long silence. Very long silence. “I haven’t thought that far ahead.”
The search continues.
The Granite Countertop Couple
The first house is beautiful. Good roof. Good foundation. Excellent location. Reasonable taxes.
The agent is optimistic. Then comes the verdict. “No granite countertops.” The house is immediately removed from consideration.
The second house appears.
The roof needs replacement. The furnace has accepted its fate. The deck appears to have survived several historical events. The electrical system appears to date from the Victorian era, before electricity was invented.
But the kitchen… The kitchen has magnificent granite countertops.
Offer submitted. The husband briefly attempts to mention the roof. This effort is unsuccessful.
Years later, the family has replaced the roof, the furnace, part of the plumbing, and most of the electrical system.
The granite countertops remain untouched. Nobody cooks. Nobody bakes. Nobody spends any measurable amount of time in the kitchen.
The kitchen functions primarily as a granite viewing area. The buyers successfully avoided spending $8,000 on new countertops by purchasing a house that required $45,000 in repairs.
The granite countertops continue to perform flawlessly.
The Research Commander
This buyer arrives prepared. Very prepared.
Every property has been documented, ranked, color-coded, and evaluated. The buyer can instantly recall the square footage of a house viewed eight months ago, compare tax records from three different towns, and explain market trends dating back to 2017. There are charts, notes, and backup charts.
What the buyer cannot determine is whether they actually want to buy a house.
Three months later, the spreadsheet contains seventeen tabs. The buyer has now viewed enough properties to qualify for a real estate license.
The agent decides more coffee may be necessary.
The Perfect House Seeker
This buyer knows exactly what they want.
They would like ocean views, complete privacy, waterfront access and a large lot. The property should be within walking distance of downtown, have historic charm, feel like new construction, and require absolutely no maintenance. Low taxes are important. Excellent schools are important. High-speed internet is important. A private dock would be nice.
The budget is $275,000. The agent has heard this before.
The agent decides more coffee may be necessary.
After viewing twenty-seven properties, the buyer announces: “I think we’re getting closer.”
The Neighborhood Detective
This buyer likes the house. The price works. The inspection goes well. Everything appears to be moving toward a successful closing.
Then the questions begin.
The buyer would like to know whether anyone has ever died in the house, disappeared mysteriously, started a family feud, buried treasure in the backyard, or been involved in unusual events since the 1890s.
The questions become increasingly specific.
- Was the house built on an ancient burial ground?
- Has anyone ever been murdered here?
- Has anyone ever disappeared under mysterious circumstances?
- Were there any tragic accidents involving fishermen?
- Ghosts?
- Did anyone have their head cut off here?
The agent is not entirely sure where that last question came from.
Within days, local newspaper archives are being reviewed. Neighbors are being interviewed. One resident mentions an old family dispute from 1911. Another recalls a story involving a boat owner who vanished sometime before the invention of modern plumbing. A third insists nothing unusual ever happened there—the seller’s family…
The buyer now trusts none of them.
A large investigation board featuring maps, photographs, and red string appears. The buyer is considering hiring a historian.
The historian may require a historian. At this point, the buyer is no longer purchasing a house. The buyer is conducting an archaeological expedition.
The closing has been delayed pending further research.
The agent decides more coffee may be necessary.
The Buyer Who Needs One More Showing
This buyer genuinely likes the house. The location is right. The price is right. The inspection is good. The family is excited.
The agent senses victory. Then comes the sentence. “I think I’d like to see one more house before making a decision.” The agent agrees. Because that’s the job.
Three months later, the buyer has now seen 42 houses, 11 neighborhoods, 3 towns and 2 counties.
The original house has sold. The second favorite house has sold. The third favorite house has sold.
The buyer remains optimistic.
The agent decides more coffee may be necessary.
Agent Survival Tips
- If a buyer says, “I just have a few questions,” find a comfortable chair before answering the first one.
- If a buyer says, “I’d like to see just one more house,” avoid making weekend plans.
- If a buyer arrives with a spreadsheet containing multiple tabs, compliment the color coding.
- If a buyer rejects a perfectly good house because of granite countertops, remember to keep a straight face.
- If a buyer begins researching local disappearances, family feuds, and unsolved mysteries from the nineteenth century, avoid becoming part of the investigation.
- If a buyer asks whether the property was built on an ancient burial ground, redirect the conversation toward the roof.
- If the buyer returns to the burial ground, redirect the conversation toward the furnace.
- If the buyer returns to the burial ground again, additional coffee may be necessary.
- If a buyer insists on interviewing neighbors about events that occurred before 1900, resist the urge to take notes.
- If a buyer absolutely requires a three-car garage despite not owning a car, do not ask why.
- If a buyer falls in love with a mailbox, a porch swing, a tree or a bathroom tile they noticed for six seconds, stop looking for additional reasons.
The decision has already been made.
At some point, every real estate agent realizes that buying a house has very little to do with logic.
- One buyer will reject a perfectly good home because of a countertop that can be replaced in a weekend.
- Another will spend three months investigating whether the property was built on an ancient burial ground and whether someone lost their head in the backyard.
- A third real estate buyer will insist on a three-car garage despite having no car, no boat, no workshop and no obvious reason for owning a three-car garage.
None of it makes sense.
And somehow, every year, thousands of agents across America successfully guide these people to a closing table.
Personally, I think they deserve medals. Or at least free coffee.
FAQ
Do buyers really reject houses because of one small feature?
Absolutely. Sometimes it’s a granite countertop. Sometimes it’s a fireplace. Sometimes it’s a mailbox. Real estate can be surprisingly emotional.
Do buyers really create giant spreadsheets?
Some do. In extreme cases, the spreadsheet begins to develop its own personality.
Have buyers ever researched the history of a property?
Yes. Most stop after a few questions. Others eventually become amateur historians or ghost hunters.
What is the most difficult type of buyer?
Ask ten agents and you’ll get ten different answers. Most will answer after finishing their coffee.
Is coffee really that important in real estate?
Based on extensive field research, yes.
Are these buyer personalities real?
Perhaps not exactly. But every real estate agent reading this has already thought of at least three people they are currently working with. Which should answer the question.
Real estate agents see things the rest of us never will. Which is probably for the best.
